By Dave Boyle

“The first thing to go from my memory after my dad died was his voice. The second, his laugh.”

Denise Carson

Denise was only twelve years old when her father, Richard, passed away in 1987. She still remembers the sterile, unfriendly atmosphere of the hospital room, the tubes, and the unnecessary ambulance rides. She knew, as much as any 12 year old can know, that this was no way to spend the last days of your life.

Her grandparents had met in the Philippines; her grandfather an American in the U.S. Army and her grandmother 100% Pilipino. Her dad was born in 1949 and immigrated to the United States in 1967. He was a great dancer, had an infectious smile, and owned his own business. He was just 37 years old when he passed away from cancer.

“When you lose a father at twelve years of age, you just don’t lose him at twelve,” Denise says, “you also lose him on your 13^th birthday. You lose him on your 16^th birthday. You lose him when you get your driver’s license. You lose him when you graduate from high school. You lose him when you graduate from college. You lose him at all the milestones, as you try to make sense of your life through the lens of his absence.”  Denise has memories of her dad, happy memories, and loving memories. But there are not enough of them and the ones she has are not as clear as she would have liked them to be.

Her mom and dad had divorced years earlier, but this of course was way different. Now she, her brother Ryan and her mom Linda were truly on their own. Denise’s mom was a very strong and courageous woman, and time does not permit the thousands of words it would take to do her justice. The best way to meet Linda Carson would be to read Denise’s book, “Parting Ways.” I usually find myself choosing relatively unimportant sporting events or inane political shows on television over getting lost in a good book, but this book I polished off in a few days. Denise’s depictions of her mom captivated me and made me feel like I know her. I also got to know Denise better, which is one reason why I wanted to celebrate her today.

After her mom was diagnosed with cancer, Denise decided that it wasn’t going to be like it was with her dad. This would be different. Mom would be celebrated. If it’s true that you only die when the memory of you is gone from people’s minds and hearts, then Linda Carson was never going to die.

The first thing Denise did with her mom was Life Review, learning many things  that she hadn’t known before and understanding her mom liked she had never understood her before. Denise could feel her heart melting as she listened to her mom share her pain and admit her shortcomings. Life Review also led Denise and her mom to do something that most people in that situation don’t even think of doing, cleaning out the closet, while the person is still alive. In her book Denise writes the following. “Cleaning out the closet is usually a task performed after a person dies. The ritual marks a state of acceptance that the deceased will not be returning. After the funeral and after everyone stops coming around, you are left to enter the wardrobe wafting with scents of your loved one. And by then the clothes are just clothes, and the books are just books. But what if you cleaned out the closet with the person there? I believe the life review helped us together reach this revelatory stage of acceptance before her death.”

The second phase was the Last Wish. It was now November of 2001, three months before her mom’s passing. How do you celebrate the last Thanksgiving? The last Christmas?  The last birthday? For Denise it was going through recipes with her mom and cooking Thanksgiving dinner. It was trimming the Christmas tree as Linda entertained with stories of the history of the ornaments. And it was inviting close friends over for a birthday celebration complete with cake and candles, as well as a surprise visit from the pastors and members of the choir of Linda’s home church, saying a prayer and singing Amazing Grace for her.

Denise Carson and her Mother, Linda Carson.

The final part of the journey with her mom was sitting vigil at her bedside in her last days and hours. Scripture passages were read from her well-worn Bible. Instrumental praise music hummed on the CD player. Prayers were said, and a sponge bath was given followed by a fresh pink nightgown. A last “I love you” from Linda to Denise, and a sunset. And then at 2:07, Sunday February 10^th, 2002, Linda Carson went into the arms of her Heavenly Father, surrounded by family and friends.

Denise writes in her book, “They say hearing is the last sense to go. I recited the Twenty-Third Psalm by heart. Then I opened her Bible and read Psalm 139. As I read the first verse, a song came to me, a song I hadn’t sung since I was a girl in Sunday School. The song was Psalm 139 called ‘Search Me of God.’ I sang loudly, like a sorrowful siren expelling my grief from the depths of my soul with every note.”

Search me, oh God, you know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there be any hurtful way in me and lead me in the everlasting way.

Which brings me to why we’re here today. Four years after her mom’s passing Denise crossed paths with Donna Miller, who was then the Volunteer Coordinator with Solari Hospice, and who would soon become the Director of Volunteer Services here at Hospice Care of the West. Denise followed Donna around for two years, interviewing her and chronicling the things that Donna and her volunteers did. And then in 2010 shortly after her own mother had passed away, Deb Robson accepted the position as our Executive Director, and immediately hit it off with Denise. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall in some of those early meetings as the two of them bantered back and forth about the ideas that they could bring to their new endeavor.

As I go over Denise’s book “Parting Ways” in my mind, I can’t help but be taken by the fact that Denise did a life review with her mom. Denise gave her mom a last wish. Denise sat vigil by her bedside in her last hours. Life Review. Last Wishes. Sitting vigil. Do any of those sound familiar? Shannon, Jay and their team do a fantastic job with the Life Review videos with our families. Caitlin Crommet started the DreamCatchers program four years ago through Hospice Care of the West, providing last wishes for our patients.  And our Volunteer Department provides Vigil Volunteers, so no one has to die alone. Celebration was conceived because Denise and Deb thought it was important to celebrate us as we care for our patients and their families. These are some of the things that make our hospice a fulfilling and very unique place to work, and these are things that Denise, along with Deb and Jay, have helped bring to the fore-front at Hospice Care of the West.

Denise held a celebration for her mom before she passed, and Linda was able to hear all of the wonderful things that people had to say about her, and hear about all of the lives she had touched. We hold Celebration every other month, so we can share our stories of touching the lives of our patients and celebrate each other. Denise has done such a wonderful job of celebrating us, so I wanted to celebrate her today. Thank you Denise, for bringing us your heart, your soul, your wisdom and your experiences. Your story is truly your gift to us.

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Debbie Robson, Executive Director of Hospice Care of the West, described Celebration on October 15th as “Powerful, the best one so far.”  I have to agree. I brimmed with pride and joy as I watched the Reminiscing Corner. Thank you to our Office Team. You are the cornerstone of Hospice Care of the West.

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Karyn Randall, Business Development Director, at Hospice Care of the West, is a hero for saving the life of Pat at Don Jose Restaurant in Anaheim.

Recently at Don Jose restaurant for lunch in Anaheim, Karyn Randall, the Business Development Director at Hospice Care of the West, heard a man shouting “HELP, HELP, HELP” coming from the lobby. Curious, she stretched her neck around the corner to see an elderly man embracing a lifeless woman.

“Pat,” he begged. “Please stay with me. Please stay with me. Don’t leave me Pat.”

Karyn felt a rush of adrenaline. And she threw her purse to Debbie Robson, Executive Director of Hospice Care of the West. Karyn felt herself shaking, as she ran to their side to help.

She looked down to see Pat’s face turning ashen and eyes rolling back. Her body was seizing. Karyn checked her heart.  No heartbeat. Her own fear subsided as she felt an out of body experience. She started chest compressions and giving CPR. Karyn focused on counting but still could hear the elderly man’s voice echoing.

“Please stay with me Pat,” he said repeatedly in distress.

Within minutes, the life sweep back into Pat as color returned to her face and her eyes stopped rolling. Karyn checked her heart. It started beating again.

“Can I have my fajitas now,” Pat said as she came to. The ambulance showed up shortly after to take Pat to the hospital.

Karyn sighed a breath of relief.  It took a lot of courage to save Pat’s life, as that was the first time Karyn performed CPR.

Ironically, growing up in Orange, Calif., one of six girls, Karyn recalled having a fear of hospitals and anything to do with medicine until shortly after her 21^st birthday.

Karyn carried her sick 18-month-old nephew, Alex, into the pediatrician. A battery of tests followed. And then the doctor delivered a cancer diagnosis with a one percent chance to live.

“We’re a tight knit family,” Karyn said. “But this brought us all even closer. The doctor recommended that we all learn CPR for Alex.”

The family lived with Alex at Children’s Hospital of Orange County everyday in shifts around the clock. Karyn grew a bond with the doctors, nurses and the families at the hospital.

“I couldn’t stop asking questions of the doctors and nurses,” Karyn said. She needed to know the details of the code blues and every treatment. A family member was always at his side as the life swept in and out of Alex. Even if he survived for a few years, the doctors said he would have limited brain capacity. And in her family’s darkest hour, Karyn felt a calling.

She enrolled in college to get her Licensed Vocational Nursing degree. After graduation, she joined a duo team of pediatricians in Orange. Her personal experience gave her an inner strength to guide families grappling with a sick child.

“I became a positive role model for the families,” she said. She advised families to live in the moment. A year later, Alex was released from the hospital and given a clean bill of health. The doctors at CHOC believed it was his mother and family’s positive attitude and constant vigil that kept him alive.

By Alex’s next birthday, Karyn was ready to transition out of pediatrics as she met and fell in love with a firefighter. They shared a passion for helping people in need and soon married. After the wedding, Karyn’s focus turned to starting her own family. She transitioned out of pediatrics and into marketing for a nursing home.

“My passion is geriatrics,” Karyn said. She saw her mother’s love for helping people and “do, do, do” nature in every lady in the nursing home. And her father’s drive for working to support his family lived in hearts of the men.

Two years after her wedding day, she gave birth to John Thomas.  He made her see the world differently. Sure she was a worrier because of her experience with Alex. Eventually, she took her own advice to live in the moment and bask in the joy of motherhood, whatever that brought her way. Four years later, Karyn birthed her baby girl, Annie.

As her family grew, her career in geriatrics evolved. A friend suggested she join a hospice company. Karyn’s initial reaction was “Heck no, I’m afraid of dying”. Again, her fears gave way to a deeper calling. Hospice brought together all the threads of her life experiences. She became a pillar of positive support for the families in hospice care. Four years into her hospice career, she received a call to join Hospice Care of the West. She refused, but not for long.

A week later, Karyn’s grandmother needed hospice. She gave her business card to the hospital nurse and just assumed they would call her hospice company. She then went home to prepare for her grandmother’s homecoming.

The doorbell rang and Karen Rose, R.N. a Hospice Care of the West admissions nurse stood on her doormat. Out of curiosity, Karyn invited her in. She watched in amazement. This nurse spent four hours with Karyn transforming her home into a comfortable place for her grandmother to return.

“I was like holy cow,” Karyn said. “I’d never seen a nurse work with a family like this before. It was phenomenal, the only thing I could think of was everyone deserves care like this.  The admissions nurses I worked with were in and out in an hour. Often I stayed with the family because I didn’t trust the nurse to support the family through the early hours of their transition in hospice.”

The social worker and team from Hospice Care of the West followed and supported Karyn and her care for her grandmother in such an awesome, compassionate and complete way. Three weeks later, she joined Hospice Care of the West. For the first time in her life, she felt like she wasn’t selling a service.

“I feel honored to share hospice with doctors, families and patients because I know that we all feel lucky to be there for them and I know in my heart, I buy cialis discount can deliver on every promise,” Karyn said.

The word courage comes from the Latin word heart. Karen acts and speaks from the heart. Looking back over her journey so far, Karyn overcame her fears of medicine to be present for her nephew, Alex. That experience gave her the undeniable courage to now be that present light for families. Today, her family celebrates Alex’s recent graduation from college and his seven full-ride scholarship-offers for law school.

After lunch at Don Jose, Karyn realizes you can summon the courage to make anything possible even bringing someone back to life. Karyn received a call from Jerry, Pat’s brother, to invite her out to lunch to celebrate Pat’s life at Don Jose after she gets out of rehab. Pat suffered a massive heart attack, stayed in hospital for seven days, and is now in rehab thanking God everyday for Karyn.

Debbie sent out an email to the Hospice Care of the West team sharing the story of the “Hero Among Us” and Karyn was virtually toasted by her peers via email. One toast from Alan Grotsky said, “Rarely can you go to work in the morning at hospice and SAVE A LIFE.” Another one from Erin Rodgers, remarked, “Way to Go K, you earned your angel wings today.”

As I read the emails, tears welled. I remember the first time that I heard of Karyn. Deb described her as Tinker Bell spreading the light of hospice to doctors, patients and families in their darkest hour. Now, I realize those wings existed long before the day she saved Pat’s life.

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Our deepest gratitude to Dick Bentley and his family for sharing a wonderful life review that really touches on the universal truths of the meaning of life. Mr. Bentley tells us that it’s relationships with people that make the journey interesting and worthwhile. He is striking resemblance to Clint Eastwood. As Bentley tells his stories, we feel as though we have stepped into scenes from Eastwood’s Hollywood films. These are gems of wisdom from a man who so bravely served our country during World War II. Check out his life review video.

He also talks about how important his mother and grandfather were in building the man he is today. His grandfather travelled from England to America at just 17 years old in search of a new life. Likewise, Bentley turned out to be a wanderlust kid growing up in Minnesota with big dreams of one day living in a tropical paradise. At age 16, he hitchhiked to San Francisco and then made his way down to San Diego where he stowed away on a boat to Hawaii. He landed a job with Filipino migrant workers in the sugar cane fields. The sugar cane field foreman had a reputation for treating the migrant workers like slaves. One day, he tried to push Bentley, who was a very mild manner man. Finally, Bentley had enough, turned around, punched the foreman in the head and knocked him out. Everyone thought he was dead. Bentley rose to become a local hero and earned the name “One-Punch Bentley.”

He left the cane fields to work for a company that delivered oil to Pearl Harbor. On the morning of December 7, 1941, he didn’t deliver oil to harbor but he did see the Japanese planes flying so low that he could see the pilot. The day after the attack on Pearl Harbor, he returned to the mainland to become a pilot to fly in World War II. He flew 31 bombing missions from North Africa to Europe.  On the last mission his plane crashed off the coast of Sicily, and he swam for two hours. And an Italian fisherman picked him up. He was taken to the Italian war quarters and became a prisoner of

war to the Germans. General George Patton liberated the prison camp. So Bentley recalled seeing the commander in action on the day of his freedom.  After the war, Mr. Bentley became aerospace engineer and worked on the satellite that made the first transatlantic phone call a reality.

Some 25 years later when Mr. Bentley returned to Hawaii with his family, his daughter recalled the all the Filipinos running up to her father, who was a local legend. They were all cheering “One-Punch Bentley.” He will remain a local legend in Hawaii. And for us, Mr. Bentley will be forever remembered for serving country and giving us gems of wisdom.

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Lights, Camera, Action! Yes, we filmed a commercial with a real hospice patient, Arline Perrizo at 95 years old, her daughter, Mary, and her team of “hospice angels” from Hospice Care of the West in Orange County, Calif. Arline is star. Check out the commercial. It’s now airing. Thank you Arline and Mary! Like a real movie star, Arline started the day in hair and make-up with professional stylist and hospice volunteer, Nancy Johnson.

Jay Gianukos, the director of the commercial, filmed Arline in the spotlight. She basked in all of the attention.She then joined me on the film set equipped with lights, video cameras, sound equipment and a crew in her living room. I interviewed Arline, who was an elementary school teacher and by doing this commercial she had a chance to teach one last time. This lesson would take place on a film set instead of her classroom and her students would be our community in need of learning how much hospice benefited her life and her daughter’s. Mary wanted her mother to stay at home but her mother had taken a bad fall that landed her in hospital. When she was discharged, Hospice Care of the West came on to help Mary care for her Mom and provide a safety net of support that has brought them so much relief and peace.

Hospice is a team approach to end-of-life care in the home, or wherever a patient calls home, for the patient with a life expectancy of six months or less to live. Mary and Arline have support from a nurse, social worker, spiritual care counselor, home health aid and volunteer. Read more about hospice care here. Also, the volunteer services at Hospice Care of the West brought Mary and Arlene so much joy. Shannon Sirovy, the director of volunteer services at Hospice Care of the West, had already filmed a life review video of Arlene reminiscing about her life that she can now pass on her wisdom and legacy of memories to her children and grandchildren. The life review video is a gift from Hospice Care of the West created with volunteer hours of a life review interview that is then edited with family pictures and music. Read more about life review video here.

Thank you Arline and Mary for sharing your experiences with us and for other families to learn the benefits to choosing hospice that focuses on comfort care. Many people don’t realize that you have a choice in hospice. And choosing the right team to care for you in the most vulnerable hour is vital to living with peace and comfort even when time is limited. My most favorite moment of the commercial shoot was when Dave Boyle, the spiritual care coordinator, sat down with Arline and Mary. He asked if he could read a passage from the Bible and Arlene agreed. Then he placed his hand gently on Arline’s hand and said, “You can read it with me, if you know it.” And in an instant, a peace fell over the room as Dave read the 23^rd Psalm and Arline joined him. After he asked if she wanted him to pray for her, and she smiled “yes” and sighed relief. I witnessed each of the team members Cheryl, the nurse, Angela, the social worker, Dave and Shannon had such a gift to give and together surround them with everything that they need to make this journey that is often wrenching for families instead be a time of peace, joy and reflection.

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On the morning of our third Celebration!, I truly felt like this gathering had become a tradition of our mission to celebrate the lives of our patients and each other. Celebration! is now woven into the fabric of our daily lives and a time we have come to rely on to renew our spirits. Check out the video that gives you a flavor of what these unique Celebrations are all about.

In this season of celebrating, Debbie Robson, the Executive Director of Hospice Care of the West, and I opened the gathering by inviting the team to write the name of someone they want to remember on an ornament and hang it on the three trees that lined the doorway to the Celebration. I saw the names of patients’, Mom, Dad, friends and other loved ones’ names inscribed with love on these ornaments. Each one held the presence of that person we all spent a moment to reflect on.

So many folks walked in with such an attitude of gratitude for the Celebration! I could feel it in the air. So, I asked each person to turn to the person next to him or her and share something they were most grateful for this year. It was just after Thanksgiving and so it felt appropriate. Then I requested volunteers to share what their peers were grateful for. The Reminiscing Corner Video celebrating the Spiritual Care Coordinators followed. Please watch by clicking on the video below.

These spiritual care coordinators shared the journeys that led them into a calling to serve God and later hospice patients. They received a wide applause for sharing their stories with such genuine, authenticity.

I read the living eulogy of Kathy Rojas. There were tears flowing around the room. Thanks again Kathy for your beautiful life story. It was a honor to write it. Click here to read it.

The invitation to Celebration 3!

Then Debbie shared the story of some of the special gifts her patients have given her during her 20 years as a hospice nurse. She shared the lovely story of how this classy patient would bring out her best china to serve Debbie cookies and tea on her hospice nurse visit. They would sit, have tea and conversations about life. Then she invited others to share gifts, wisdom and experiences hospice patients had graciously bestowed. My favorite was one of the nurses sharing how she did the hula dance with her one of her hospice families in honor of their mother. She really did stand an hula for all of us at the Celebration!
It was magical. Check out the montage video above and you’ll get a sense of just how magical this open microphone time is to the team at Hospice Care of the West. We have the most amazing community thriving and celebrating in hospice!

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Marie Lasher, patient of Hospice Care of the West, shares her life stories and wisdom in recorded life review video to give as a gift to her family.

At 102 years old, Marie Lasher dresses for the premiere of her life story in a small movie theater near her Laguna Hills, California home. Shannon Sirovy, Director of Volunteer Services of Hospice Care of the West, accompanies Marie in a wheelchair into the elevator. As they enter the elevator, they see posters of Marie on the wall inviting the community to her movie. Yvette Aiello, the volunteer editor of Marie’s life review video, joins them.

“Look Marie, you’re famous,” Shannon says.

“Well, Marie says beaming. “I’ll only sign autographs, no checks.”

As they enter the movie theater, Marie receives a red carpet welcome.

Friends surround her from the community she has lived in for three decades. As she basks in a wave of embraces and endearments from friends, she shines like a star in the spotlight. Wafts of fresh popcorn fill the theater as the guests sit take their seats. The theater is full.

“This is all for me,” Marie says in a coy voice.

As the lights of the theater dim, Marie shows up on screen. And she watches herself on the silver screen retrace her life’s footsteps, stories and lessons that began in Ohio when she was born. Marie shares her personal history and journey that led to the life review interview video recorded by Shannon, Director of Volunteer Services at Hospice Care of the West, just a few week before.

On that memorable afternoon shortly after Marie entered hospice care, her bedroom is transformed into what appears to be the dressing room of a movie star. A video camera is on a tripod set up and make-up is being applied to her face.

Marie selects a red lipstick. She beams like a super star.

“I think that will show up better on the camera,” Marie says directing Shannon to put on her lipstick. “I’ll see if I can employee you as my make-up artist

“Alright, Go like this ‘muah’,” Shannon says. “Rub them together.”

“You look beautiful,” says the audience gathered around her in the room.

“Do you want me to wear the oxygen?” Marie says pointing to the oxygen cannula piping oxygen into her nose from a tank.

Tracy Filowitz, of Hospice Care of the West, behind the camera, assures her that it’s not too noticeable on camera.

Shannon tucks a life alert tag into her shirt and straightens the collar around her sweater.
“Should I wear the sweater?” She asks.

Shannon straightens her collar.

“However, I look the best,” she says beaming into the lens of the video camera.

“You look great,” Tracy says from behind the camera. “You look beautiful.”

“You look on here, that’s a good choice of lipstick,” Shannon says as she views the moving image on the video camera.

Shannon sits beside the video camera and begins the interview with asking Marie’s name and birth details.

“My date of birth, honest to goodness, is April 16^th 1910,” Marie says.

“And what city were you born in,” Shannon asks.

“I was born in Cleveland, Ohio,” Marie says.

“Do you recall the name of the hospital, you were born in?” Shannon asks.

“Honey, a mid-wife probably delivered me,” Marie says. “ In those days it was really more mid-wives than hospitals.”

“What’s your earliest childhood memory?”

“More visual to me, I can see myself as a little

girl, about 5 to 6 years old, I can’t remember anything spectacular, I know I was a tomboy, and I would jump from our porch to see how far I could jump. I was raised with three brothers.”

The phone rings interrupting the interview.

Marie answers it.

“Honey, I’m being interviewed, you didn’t know your mother was a popular woman, but they are interviewing me from hospice to get a little bit of my life history,” she says to her son, Lewis, calling from Denver, Colorado.

“I want a copy of everything,” says her son on the phone line to his mother. Marie repeats it to Shannon, who shakes her head saying absolutely, that is why she is doing it for Marie’s children and grandchildren. The life review video interview conducted by Shannon is a gift given to the hospice patients and their families by the volunteer services at Hospice Care of the West. A life review interview retraces the footsteps of a person’s life from birth to childhood, young adulthood to falling in love, lessons learned to chosen religious paths, parenthood to grandparenthood, to wisdoms and hopes and dreams to pass on to the next generation. This life review video is then edited with music and pictures to be passed on so the hospice patient like Marie Lasher knows a tangible legacy of memories and wisdom will live on for her children and grandchildren, great grandchildren and so forth.

“Okay, you’ll get it,” Marie says to her son and hangs up the phone.

“Proceed, she says to Shannon.

Marie shared the story of how her family coming to America from Hungry and Austria. Those of her family that stayed behind, she laments were killed in the gas chambers when the Nazis invaded Europe during World War II.

Marie’s father played pinochle as a weekend gatherings

that brought the family together in America. She knew all her aunts and uncles. Pinochle brought together not only family but also friends from the neighborhood. The gatherings punctuated her childhood while also setting the course for her adulthood. As it was during one of these games that she met and fell in love with the man who would become her husband in 1944 and her son, Lewis, was born in 1945.

“So, you should start counting,” she chuckled. “As is the usual thing with people, when the child is born a little early…” Marie starts counting on her fingers.

“I had a lovely life,” she says smiling.

Her husband owned a bar called “Wander Inn” she said everyone in the neighborhood would say “wander in, stagger out…Though if anyone was drunk in their bar, my husband or his brother would drive them home, they never let them walk the streets.”

Her husband learned the trade of jewelry from her father who was a manufacturing jeweler in New York City. The jewelry business translated to her husband becoming a traveling salesman.

“I had a lot of fun with him,” she says. “We use to showdown at the Biltmore Hotel. I use to work with him selling jewelry.”

Since her husband was out of town a lot, she was a father and a mother to her son, Lewis. She spoke of keeping the books for her husband’s business as a jeweler.

“I took him to his baseball games,” she says. “I was a scout mother, I had the scout meetings at my house. I was active in the PTA in the elementary school, junior and senior high because I felt it was my duty as my mother.”

Marie like many women today struggled to care for her son, her aging father, keeping her husband’s books and working as a secretary.  Eventually, she became a senior clerk in Los Angeles County Adoption Services.

Marie’s religious life began from the day she was born into a Jewish family. Her mother kept a Kosher home. She attended a synagogue in her youth and was married in that synagogue in Ohio. Later, when she migrated to California because of her son’s asthma, she and her husband joined a synagogue in Los Angeles. Marie dedicated her life to volunteering in the temple and also civic duty.

“I enjoy being a volunteer,” she says.

Marie talked about how her parents observed the holy days and how they attended services in the temple at sundown. She remembered as a child always receiving new clothes for the holidays. Marie pulls out the Bible that she carried and read as child in Sunday school. During an earthquake, the Bible was ruined. And her niece recently had it restored and re-bound with her family history, which make the book valuable at so many levels for Marie.

Marie then looked directly into the camera and said as if to the next generations.

“Know your parents backgrounds,” she said. “And what they did, if you can make a recording like this, you will be amazed in later years. You don’t want to be left asking why didn’t I ask mom or dad this. If you ask now, you’ll know for the future.”

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Watch the Life Review Video on John Marting and read the excerpt on his life review from my book Parting Ways…On a rainy winter afternoon, John Marting sat poised in an oversized chair surrounded by his sons, grandson, daughters-in-law and wife, for his video recorded life review interview. He emanated a stalwart fatherly presence epitomizing the “Greatest Generation” defined by Tom Brokaw as the young GIs devoted to their country, prosperity of the middle class and above all loyal to their families.
http://youtu.be/_yRKRtf53rM

“Alright everyone,” said Donna Miller, a hospice practitioner, drawing the attention of John’s family. As the clock ticked loudly toward John’s eleventh hour, Donna, founder of the life review video program at Hospice Care of the West, raced against time to rescue and record John’s life story, in his own voice,

to leave as a parting gift to his family and future generations. He battled lung cancer and Alzheimer’s disease like a bull and lived beyond his physician’s prognosis.

She craned over to view the monitor atop a digital video camera on a tripod operated by the cameraman, Robert, a 54 year-old high school teacher and hospice volunteer. She gave him the

cue. He hit record.

On the screen, John sat against a backdrop of his prized possessions—framed pictures of his sons, Larry and Richard at their college graduations, now both are in their mid-50s, and his 50^th wedding anniversary picture with his wife. His face animated to a smile radiating his laugh lines, whiting temples and creases on his baldhead, when his daughter-in-law approached him.

“You’re a movie star today Dad,” she said upon embracing John.

“Thank you,” he said.

“You’re a superstar to us everyday. We love you Dad,” his daughter-in-law said.

His wife Marjorie, a petite woman exuding a regal presence, sashayed up to John and pursed her lips together. She was a year his junior. They sweetly kissed each other and she said in a soft voice, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” John beamed up at Marjorie and then turned to the camera. “I’m glad I married this woman.”

Richard, John’s youngest son standing 6’4 lent down to noticeably relish a long embrace. Larry, a brawn rugged guy, gingerly approached his father. Instead of hugging, they sort of awkwardly rubbed cheeks. John’s grandson, 21-year-old Dan Marting, swooped in and whispered, “I love you grandpa” and hugged him. Richard lived nearby in Newport Beach, but Larry’s family drove more than 100 miles to participate in this unique event.

John carefully took long gazes at each of his family members and surprisingly remarked, “I’ve never felt so much warmth and love in this room.”

He was right, the warmth and love was palpable, and often is after the parade of affection that Donna suggests at the opening of every life review video. It melts the tension.

“Are you ready John?” Donna asked.

“Yeah,” he said with a big grin. “I don’t have any secrets, so go ahead.”

“Well, if you have secrets, they might make this even better,” she said.

Before Donna started, she invited the family to jump in and ask questions upon inspiration then she led John on a reminiscing tour of his life starting with his birth and boyhood in Missouri. He spoke fondly of his mother, a homemaker, and his father, a General Electric salesman. John vividly recalled his initiation into manhood that followed the Pearl Harbor bombing when he lined up with hundreds of young men at the enlistment in St. Louis, Missouri.  He started to doze a bit during the interview, so Robert suggested Marjorie join him to talk about the magical moment when they met at her sister’s wedding. He was the best man and she was the maid of honor. Shortly, after they married on a foggy night, at a small church without a center aisle.

“Where was your first home?” Donna asked.

“Parking Lot C for LAX now,” Marjorie said. “It was a tiny Marlow Burns tract house that we paid $3,700.”

John and Marjorie held hands as they reminisced about the births of Larry and Richard born 21 months apart. Marjorie sent them off to pre-school and she went back to school to get her master’s degree. She became a high school teacher and then assistant principal at Van Nuys High School. They were Little League parents. Their early life led into his career as a draftsman for General Petroleum, which eventually became Mobile Oil. Then Donna turned the interview back toward home and leisure.

“John do you have any hobbies?” Donna asked.

“Well how would you say it, family” John replied. “Yep, that pretty much sums it up.”

“What about gardening?” Marjorie added.

“That’s not a hobby,” John grinned

The family collectively reminisced about holidays, traditions and family vacations. They spoke about their sons growing up and eventually leaving home to go off to college. Donna then turned the life review toward retirement and life reflections.

“So looking back on your life do you have any regrets?” Donna asked.

John sat back in the chair as all his family members leaned in. He closed his eyes to ponder the question.

“I didn’t follow through on my goal,” John said.

“What goal?” Marjorie asked with a look of puzzlement.

“Following up on my education. Of course, the biggest obstacle was money,” John said.

“John, is there anything you want your family to know? “ Donna asked.

His family patiently waited. For a man short on words, shorter on compliments, finding the voice to express what lay heavy on his heart was challenging. He expressed his love in action, not in words. He taught his sons by example not with long-winded speeches about morals and values. Just sitting back and observing their father’s actions taught them how to be a good man, a good father.

John closed his eyes for so long that Donna thought he’d fallen asleep.

“John,” she said.

“Well, I’m just glad they put up with me, I hope I was a good father because that’s what’s important to me,” he said. “I’m proud of our family, you’ve all done well and I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished.”

At that moment the room was silent with the exception of sniffles. Robert looked up from his camera to wipe his own glistening eyes. He turned the camera to pan the room for the family to express their feelings.

Through a misty gaze at his father, Larry said, “It’s been really interesting to listen to what you have to say, I heard a lot of new things today, my respect for you and my love for you just grows.”

Donna watched the Marting family console one another in long embraces and Robert turned off the camera. Donna never could predict what might transpire during a two-half hour interview but gathering the family together at the end usually pushed heartfelt emotions to the surface. That’s really her goal to create an opportunity for her patient to share his or her life story but also for the family to sit, listen and respond. The video camera and interview helps everyone to focus on the present reality. It’s hard to avoid your father dying when he’s expressing his last words in a filmed interview for posterity.

Robert and Donna talked with Marjorie and John about their favorite music. Robert collected photographs of John’s life from the family. The raw video footage and photographs would now return to Robert’s classroom at Laurel High School where his students would help him edit the video.

The Making of a Life Movie

A few years ago, I answered an ad for a life review interviewer on Volunteermatch.com that led me to Donna Miller, now the director of volunteer services at Hospice Care of the West. I was interested in writing about her life review videos for my forthcoming book, Parting Ways. I leaned how as a volunteer, a friendly visitor at the bedside, she had spent hours listening to hospice patients reviewing their past lives and thought how valuable these precious pieces of family history would be for their children and grandchildren. Finally one day in autumn of 2005, she decided to ask one of her patients if he would be interested in recording his stories on a video camera in a life review interview to pass on to his daughters as a gift. His daughters joined him on the interview as he embarked on a fascinating journey retracing his life guided by Donna’s list of questions to trigger reflections from his birth to the present.

Donna had cared for her own in-laws in her home at the end of their lives, but became so wrapped up in their physical care, she missed sitting down and recording their life stories. With their last breaths went generations of family history. She knew from personal and professional experience that families tied up with the rigors of terminal illnesses were too busy to do this themselves but open and grateful for Donna to come in and record one last conversation with their matriarch or patriarch. Shortly before I met Donna, she had connected with Robert Ostmann, high school teacher, at Laurel High School in Los Alamitos. She needed a volunteer video editor to marry the interviews with music and pictures that gave visual images to the stories shared in the interview. Robert and his students became her video editors and they called these classroom projects “life movies.” They now give these videos as gifts to the families all produced with volunteered time and skills.

Andy Rooney once said, “The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.”  I decided to visit Robert and his students to see how they turned the interview into what they called “life movies” a documentary-style video with music and photos melded seamlessly together with the raw edited interview. At 9:01 a.m. the first bell rang at Laurel High School in Los Alamitos and the students poured through the doors of Mr. Ostmann’s classroom, which looked more like a buzzing television newsroom stacked wall to wall with computers stations, video editing equipment and video cameras.

They worked diligently flipping through family photo albums and scanning photos into the computer. Others listened to life review interviews and cut them into clips to assemble on a story timeline in Final Cut Pro, a video-editing software program. On the computer screen, one man talked about what Los Angeles looked like with dirt roads and rumbling Model-Ts, how gas was only a nickel and the sound of high rises being built. A student commented on his project saying it was “like a California history lesson from orange groves to high rises.” Mr. Ostmann was proud of his observation because that’s one of his hopes in bringing these video projects into the classroom to teach the students about history, the building blocks of a story and how to find a narrative line. After they cut the video into clips grouped in different time periods and then they are challenged with assembling those video clips into a coherent narrative complemented by pictures and lastly music.

Mr. Ostmann uses the videos as a teaching tool about life progression—showing the students how these people’s lives develop from playing as kids in school, growing into young single adults starting careers or going off to war, taking on the responsibility of nurturing a family, being a good parent, building a home, dealing with the reality of crises and illness.

The Premiere of the Life Movie

Twelve days after the interview, John took his last breath in the familiar comfort of home and family. His daughter-in-law called Donna to ask if it was possible to have the video to play at John’s funeral. Robert Ostmann said it would be a squeeze but he and the students could probably pull it off.

The following Saturday morning, just over a 100 people filled the pews at Creekside Christian Fellowship in Irvine. After the dozen tributes, the lights dimmed, John appeared on a four-foot by four-foot screen at the front of the sanctuary to complete the portrait everyone tried so desperately to recreate of him. The song “I will remember you” by Sarah McLachlan played as a larger than life still photo of John smiling at his 50^th Wedding Anniversary illuminated the silver screen at the front of the church. The still photo faded to black and John appeared on screen to introduce himself looking dapper at home.

John tells stories of his birth, birthplace and childhood complemented by a black and white baby picture of him in a sailor suit followed by a picture of John at 3 years old next to his tricycle in the front yard in Missouri. Photos of John on his father’s shoulders and holding on to his mother’s hand strolled across the screen to the faint hymn of “Amazing Grace”.

On screen Donna asked, “What kind of child were you?”

John said, “small.”

The laughter of his family on screen joined the audience laugher in the sanctuary. As John spoke about his years going off to war, images of the young marine, bent on one knee and lying down on his belly aiming his rifle, shot across the screen.  A close up of John and Marjorie’s hands folded into one another came into focus as the song “Daisy Bell” and the lyrics he always sang to her “A Bicycle Built for Two” played. Marjorie narrated their love story.

“We were thrown together,” she smiled and then squeezed John’s hand.

Marjorie and John’s commentary enlivened the medley of still photos of

their courtship, wedding and early years of parenthood. They sat on the front porch of their first home, held the hands of their sons while hiking on camping trips in Yosemite. As the documentary came to a close, John rested his head back in the chair and then leaned forward as if talking directly to the audience and said, “Looking back, I think I’ve done pretty well.”

His words were marked by the family bathing him in love and affection followed by a slideshow harmonized by the Beatles song, “In My Life: There are places I Remember,” sang by Judy Collins. At the end of the slide show a black screen darkened the sanctuary and Donna’s voice could be heard saying, “Hey John”, “Hey John”.

The dark sanctuary was once more illuminated by John popping up his head from a blissful doze on screen and his voice exclaimed, “I’m just resting my eyes,” followed by his familiar guttural belly laugh. The audience laughed along with John and then stood for an ovation as the credits rolled. It was spectacular.

Tears of joy slid out of Donna’s eyes. “That was amazing,” she whispered under her breath.

The pastor took the stage and was noticeably breath taken by the video.

“Wow, that was remarkable,” he said. “I don’t know if you all were thinking about what I was thinking but I have to ask, “Are we really saying the things we need to say to those we love? Are we leading the lives that we’d be proud of if we were in John’s shoes being asked these questions at the end of life?”

After the service, Larry approached Donna in a long embrace.            

“Thank you…your timing was perfect, we said the things we needed to say and heard the things we needed to hear at the right time,” Larry said. In that moment of loss the family gained. They gained John’s life story told through his reflections and not hand-me down stories. People came up to the Marting family to give their condolences but also to express their awe over such a wonderfully told life story.
“I really felt like I got to know John,” one woman said.

“This was the best service, I’ve ever been to,” said one man and everyone crowded around agreed.

“It beautifully captured everything great about John his smile, his humor and his love for family,” another man said.

Richard and his family gathered around Donna to again express their gratitude.

“His voice and his life story will be forever preserved,” Richard said hugging Donna and almost sweeping her off her feet. “Thank you so much. Years from now his grandchildren will be able to meet and learn about their Great Great Grandfather John Marting and the incredible life he led.”

Students Receive Recognition and Awards

A couple months later, the Los Alamitos School Board invited Robert and his students to be recognized for their devotion to hospice patients and their families. Before the ceremony, they gathered with Donna and the Marting family for dinner to celebrate. The Marting family spoke of how the video was the highlight of the memorial service. Richard watched the video a few times after the funeral and recapped his thoughts.

“In your mind you remember things from the past, you can look at still pictures,” he said. “But having the video, it’s like he’s right here, since it’s a conversation that we were involved in, it’s not an 8 milometer-home movie of him pushing us on our bikes from years ago. It was so close to the end so it has real poignant meaning for us.”

At the school board meeting, Robert introduced a sampler video that included the interview with John. The students rose for their honors and John Maxwell, stood like a director on Oscar night, to accept the certificate and standing ovation. Then, Richard Marting took the microphone.

“Excuse me for my misty eyes,” Richard said. “We really wanted to come and give our thanks publicly to Robert Ostmann and his students for creating this life video of my father…The video taped interview provided us with a chance to turn the light on him, focus and listen to our father recollect 61 years of marriage and raising a family. We were able to learn about his greatest joys and regrets. When he was asked ‘What are you most proud of in your life?’ It was the first time I ever heard him say ‘family’. When he was asked ‘what was your greatest regret?” I’d never thought to ask him this, so having this forum really taught us something as well. His response was that he never went to college…I’m sure Robert’s students learned a lot of technical skills from this process and walked away with a sense of accomplish that all of us receive when we finish a project, but I also hope that they took away a greater understanding of family and the love of a father and that’s such a lesson that would make my dad proud.”

Excerpt on Life Review Video from the recently released book Parting Ways: The New Rituals and Celebration of Life’s Passing– by Denise Carson

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Life Review is a universal mental process of reflecting on the events that shaped one’s life set in motion by the realization that the end of life is near. For some it’s more gradual as one ages, but for others on a fast-forwarded journey to the end brought on by a terminal illness the life review can take on a vivid inward journey. A person may revisit pivotal life moments and points of conflict that may require some work in making a mends with people and smooth out the torn edges of broken relationships before one finds the peace to pass on. The reflections are very real, sensory rich. It’s like one is truly reliving that moment of the past in the present. As family members, if we’re smart then we can tap into this inward journey and record in writing, audio or video it in order to preserve precious vivid details of family and personal history.

Dr. Robert Butler, renowned gerontologist and Pulitzer Prize wining author of the book Why Survive? Being Old in America, discovered life review when interviewing a healthy community of seniors for the National Institutes of Health in the 1960s. He said at the time, they didn’t even know what a healthy blood sugar level was of healthy seniors, because all studies of the aged were of the sick ones. But he recognized these fascinating inward journeys of their lives as they talked about events that directed the course of their lives for the best, the worse, while giving voice to regrets and lessons learned. He described this life review as a movie of your life playing on a viagra buy film screen in the back of your mind.

Life Review Video

Robert Ostmann, hospice volunteer and teacher at Los Alamitos High School, and his video production student, John Maxwell, preparing to go in and film a life review video.

Lights, camera, action. The video camera instantly shifts the mood and atmosphere around the deathbed from a quiet murmur to a quicken pulse of vibrant life. A star for the day, the family helps get the interviewee prepped in a handsome shirt or a pretty outfit with make-up and powder. Often this might be the last time, she rolls on her favorite lipstick, or he buttons up his favorite shirt. Once he or she is camera ready, the family then gathers around their patriarch or matriarch to listen and participate in a life review interview video recorded to preserve precious personal and family history.

In preparation for the life review, Donna Miller, Director of Volunteer Services at Hospice Care of West, requests the family on the eve of the interview go through old family photo albums to pull out pictures that will tell his or her life story in pictures. When Donna arrives at the home, she sets up the camera. She then suggests that the family all give the interviewee a hug and kiss while the camera is rolling. That usually breaks the ice and instantly warms the atmosphere.

A life review video taps into that inward journey through an interview guided by a willing listener, a hospice volunteer or a younger generation family member. The video camera provides a unique stage and setting to gather the family together to listen to their father, mother, spouse or sibling, share his or her life stories. Donna has a list of interview questions that guide the person on tour on his or her past experiences starting with birth that branch into reflections about his origins such as his parents, grandparents and birthplace. The interview then progresses into childhood memories, sibling reflections and school days. Just as you might envision a life, the interview then delves into adolescence, sports and friends. Young adulthood reviews falling in love, going to college, or off to war, getting married and starting a career. Parenthood explores creating a home, giving birth and raising children while balancing home life and an advancing career. Some people talk about their hobbies and how world events shaped their lives. Others talk about how religion and spirituality played a role in their life path.

The questions about these life stages provoke reflections of challenges, mistakes, successes and the comparisons between now and then. The conversation turns to family holidays, vacations and traditions. This dovetails into a discussion about how morals, values and life goals served as a compass in life and the family life. As the conversation turns to growing old, or becoming sick, the interviewer brings up regrets and then the interviewee shares hopes for his children, grandchildren and future generations.

This amazing, new end of life ritual that Donna has created simply by bringing in a list of questions and video camera to the bedside is an incredibly therapeutic and socially beneficial experience for the family to often find the courage, words, voice and most importantly the stage, a bridge, to say the heartfelt things, we often wish we could say at the deathbed but never feel the time is right, because when is it the right time to say good-bye, I love you and share the stories, or lessons learned from your parent or sibling that made you who you are today. The life review is not only for the interviewee to say the things he needs to say, but it also provides this gathering, this invitation for the whole family to participate in reminiscing. The video is then edited with pictures and music for the dying person to bequeath his legacy of memories to his family before his last breath.

The completion of a life review Dr. Butler suggested helps people reintegrate the meaning of their life and become able to openly accept their death while simultaneously increasing their ability to live and enjoy the present. He suggested that a life review isn’t just a one-off interview and collection of relived memories, it’s a psychological developmental process as one comes to terms with the life he or she lived.

Dignity Therapy

More recently, doctors have begun researching the benefits of recorded spoken legacies similar to the life review video that taps into the life review. Dr. Harvey Chochinov, Director of the Manitoba Palliative Care Research Unit, Winnipeg, Manitoba and a psychiatry professor at the University of Manitoba, said that leaving a spoken legacy is important to both patients and family members. Dr. Chochinov led an international clinical trial, supported by the National Institutes of Health of the United States, to explore the impact

of “dignity therapy” that engages patients in extended conversations about issues that matter most to them; dreams for their loved ones; last words they want to express before they die and particular achievements or qualities they would most want remembered. These meaningful discussions are tape-recorded, transcribed and edited, with a final version returned to the patient to bequeath to their kindred. Researchers call this transcript a generativity document to provide a permanent record that will live on when the person dies.

In August 2005, the results of a pilot trial were published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology. Ninety-one percent reported being satisfied with the study and 76 percent reported that the dignity therapy heightened their sense of purpose and will to live. Eighty-one percent said their family members cherished the transcribed oral legacies. Post-intervention showed significant improvement in reducing symptoms of distress and depression and increased will to live.

The evidence reports that patients suffer deep angst from an assault on generativity, ie the idea that “nothing of who or what I am will last beyond this lifetime, that I will soon die and the my memory will fade.” These video recorded interviews that tap into the life review or audio-recorded spoken legacies transform the intangible life stories, values, wisdom, hopes and dreams for their children into something tangible that they can leave behind and will live on in the hearts and minds of their children.

Even Randy Pausch, a computer science professor at Carnegie Melon with terminal pancreatic cancer and author of the National Bestselling book, The Last Lecture, talked of how he wasn’t very interested in giving a last lecture that professors often give when retiring until he received the news that he only had months to live.  Suddenly, facing death at 47, he had a growing urge to piece together a lecture that may in fact pass on words of wisdom not only to his students but more importantly to his three young children that he was forced to prematurely say good-bye to.  Pausch knew the last lecture would be video recorded. He knew that it would be his last chance to speak directly to his children.

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